Soups come in all shapes and sizes,its the sign of a great Chef to be able to pull soup out of his arse at the drop of a hat. Soup is a direct consequence of the Chef over ordering Food. If all Chefs ordered correctly, Soup would be facing Extinction, only to be seen in the Piss stained Waiting Rooms of God, or Retirement Homes, as we know them.
A:
A:
Arc Welder:
" Arc Welder, surely the wrong Section?" I hear you cry! Wrong. You have clearly never turned up to work, 20 minutes before a Wedding for the Mayor, still shit faced from the 12 Hour Booze and Drug Bender you had embarked on the previous evening. Still in a Fog of Kebab and That Bird you really shouldn't have, even after 16 Pints, you reach tenderly for the trusty Arc Welder and Hey Presto, Leek and Potato Soup for 200. You take off your Snorkel and Miners Helmet, climb out of the Pan and breathe a sigh of relief. Let the Flashbacks begin.
Asparagus soup: (Creme de Asperge).
Asparagus soup: (Creme de Asperge).
Everything happens for a reason and why asparagus soup is a cream soup is not a chance occurence.
Asparagus happens to be a very expensive vegetable,so what better way to disguise the fact than by blending it (or lack of it) with other green things. B:
Black soup:
A leading chef once declared `once it goes black it never goes back..` This of course was a reference to all manner of food items that had been subjected to enormous heat over a long period of time.
Borstch:
A clear soup that no one actually likes.
Made from Beetroot,served clear with a julienne of betroot in the bottom,You may as well put Adders Venom on the menu.Brown Windsor :
A soup for kings! Made from pureed horses which have failed to perform well in important race meetings.The soup is garnished with Nazi propaganda.
Not to be confused with what would have been produced, had Diana and Dodi not been bumped off by MI5.Allegedly.
C:
Clat Chowder. Clat Chowder is a thick Soup, made from Badgers Clats and cooked in ones pocket, a tasty morsel indeed. Since Badger Baiting has been banned, there has been a decline in popularity of this tasty treat. For many years, we have relied on Tramps bringing in Road kill. The Reward? A poke with a sharp stick, new string for his dogs lead and a copy of the Times to sleep under, everyone's a winner. However with the rise of Bovine Tubercullosis and a Badger Cull, things are looking up. Bit of TB never hurt anyone.
D:
Dubarry: Creme dubarry..Cream of cauliflower..
M:
Minestrone:
This classic soup once described as `WOPTASTIC` by Isaac Newton,contains Macedoine vegetables and 1/4 inch segments of spaghetti.
Its Important to note that this is one of the worst soups to run out of during an important dinner service.
If the chef is caught with his trousers down he can always add more tomatoes and some raw pasta and try and stall the waiters till the pasta becomes at least bendy.
If faced with the `Raw pasta` complaint ,he may play the `Al Dente` Card and then go to the pub.
Mince Pie soup:
Dubarry: Creme dubarry..Cream of cauliflower..
`Wouldn`t it be nice..` once wrote the Beach boys..Its not and it wont be..
boil to death 12 cauliflowers add cream liquidize and pray.M:
Minestrone:
This classic soup once described as `WOPTASTIC` by Isaac Newton,contains Macedoine vegetables and 1/4 inch segments of spaghetti.
Its Important to note that this is one of the worst soups to run out of during an important dinner service.
If the chef is caught with his trousers down he can always add more tomatoes and some raw pasta and try and stall the waiters till the pasta becomes at least bendy.
If faced with the `Raw pasta` complaint ,he may play the `Al Dente` Card and then go to the pub.
Mince Pie soup:
An aquired taste,this is the by-product of over ordering mince pies during the busy xmas period.
The mince pies are boiled in chicken stock for 2 hours,orange juice and rollmops should be added just before serving. Mulligatawny:
A curried sauce is prepared(see sauce indiane) and the waiter asks for soup..Panic..Fuck no,
sprinkle some rice into a portion of the sauce and there you have Mulligatawny.
The name alone is usually enough to deter most customers from risking it.
Its fine for vegetarians too provided you fish the chunks of chicken out.
O:
Otter Soup. Otter Soup was the Brainchild of popular TV Presenter Terry Nutkins, after one of the little fuckers amputated his fingers for him. Most thoughtful. Less chance of Frostbite,and as we all know, it is quite cold in Scotland. There is quite a bit of preperation in this Dish, but I'm sure if you find a sympathetic Fish Farm owner, he will do the tricky bits for you, including the bit with the Baseball Bat and the Garden Shears.
Its fine for vegetarians too provided you fish the chunks of chicken out.
O:
Otter Soup. Otter Soup was the Brainchild of popular TV Presenter Terry Nutkins, after one of the little fuckers amputated his fingers for him. Most thoughtful. Less chance of Frostbite,and as we all know, it is quite cold in Scotland. There is quite a bit of preperation in this Dish, but I'm sure if you find a sympathetic Fish Farm owner, he will do the tricky bits for you, including the bit with the Baseball Bat and the Garden Shears.
P:
Pea and Ham soup:
Using the ghastly tin of mushy peas, the ratio is 1 big can to 2 litres of water,mix until smooth, then add the fineley chopped bacon collection the Breakfast Chef has been amassing for two weeks.
Potage:
A type of Soup made from Cannabis. This is the simplest Soup to make. Take 20 Grams Super Skunk, 25 Grams Amber Leaf, or whatever tickles your fancy. Combine and Smoke. Forget Soup and laugh at talking Dogs on the TV instead. Maximum Boost.
S:
Stowe Soup. A modern twist on an old classic. During the recent economic climbdown, many firms have been looking to diversify, including the Chemical Maufacturers.However, the addition of Bleach,by the School Chef, to the Classic Carrot and Corriander Soup, proved to be a step in the wrong direction.
V:
Violent soup:
Violent catering requires violent soup occasionally,imagine being fisted ,raped and then fisted again at this point the chef may feel that even the pub may not serve to numb him from a triple fisting..the suprise function,even the suprise order that fails to arrive may act as an emotional press on our normally calm and compassionate fluffy chef.
Its Christnas and none of the deliveries have arrived..our chef faced with the knowledge that at 12pm,he needs a soup of some description..will venture into the magical cave that is the walk in fridge..
Then begins a selection process,probably more vile than that at a concentration camp,to the left file items that will not liquidize,to the right items that will.to the left sweet items,to the right savoury items,the more hair and mould on the item furthers the chances of said item making it to the front.
Vegetable Soup. No, not the contents of a Sunshine Variety Bus in a Lake, but you would have to have been in one to order it. Here is how it's made. Take one Hungover Chef and a Function. Now sit back and admire as the Chef Boils the Fuck out of aforementioned Vegetables. Somewhere in the distant recesses of the Chefs Brain, there is the knowledge that this won't achieve a Terminal Temperature (Terminal for the Vegetable in question), of over 100 centigrade(unless a Pressure Cooker or a lot of Salt is used, and that's Witchcraft!). The Chef will then use the left over slop, to make the Soup. It is important that at no point should Vegetable Soup either resemble, or indeed taste, like the Ingredients you started with and it is preferable that it can be utilised for Coma victims.
W:
Water Soup:
This soup is usually served when the Chef has been on a week long drug and drink binge and has not ordered any ingredients.
It can be served hot or cold.
Ingredients vary from region to region,but water is the main ingredient. The two main types are Hard and Soft, Chlorine and Fluoride Flavour at your Regional Governments discretion.
