A:
Anne Francks Drum Kit. An important Historical Reference point for the Chef. It is normally contained in a Phrase, which can be directed to ALL Members of Staff. "You are about as much Fucking use as Anne Francks Drum Kit!". The Verbal Assault can then be finished with a Single word i.e. "Twat", " Wanker" or "Cunt", depending on Rank and Gender.
Assistant Manager,The:
Assistant managers,though available in all shapes and sizes,Invariably are dividable into two common Types;
(i)The Powermadatron,Our upcoming manager is keen to prove that they can run this show single-handedly(and this is how it usually ends up.),they always know best and spend long periods of time staring at menus and shouting at staff.
They often are responsible for Suprise functions and swagger about the place,trying to create as much havoc as possible.They spend long periods cackling with managment.
(ii)The Uncertainatron,This type has no clue as to what the role as a manager involves and will usually try to befriend as many staff as possible,so their little ruse may go undiscovered for as long as possible.As they cannot cook they will try saber rattling ideas with the chef about menus and back down immediatley if there is any resistance to their moronic ideas.B:
Bluebottle Fly. The Chefs favourite Ally. I know what you are thinking, surely Bluebottles are hideous, disease ridden Parasites, that no one could possibly like? No, that's the French. Bluebottles are a Chefs friend for one reason and one reason alone, they help in the location of Food and Bins. Chefs were christened with a special ability, a bit like Bats, to detect Bluebottles by Sonar. So, when Chef falls into work, unable to see after a 12 hour binge on Windowlene and Meths and the Manager asks where the Buffet is, all the Chef needs to do is follow the trusty Bluebottle. " Aha, there it is, on the radiator where I left it last night!". If the Bluebottle only circles the Buffet, without landing, the Chef can tell it's probably best to start again, even without a Date Label.
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| A Mounted Bluebottle Fly, from 22 SAS Recon Battalion |
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| Old kitchen brigade |
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| Modern kitchen Brigade |
C:
"Cuisine is both an art and a science: it is an art when it strives to bring about the realization of the true and the beautiful, called le bon (the good) in the order of culinary ideas. As a science, it respects chemistry, physics and natural history. Its axioms are called aphorisms, its theorems recipes, and its philosophy gastronomy."
Lucien Tendret (1825-1896).
Old Lucien had clearly never seen us in action, the poor fool.
Chef de partie:
A man responsible for all sections of the kitchen without the pay!
Its a win win for the fat twats,here you have someone who has to run any section of a kitchen without the pay.Complaints:
This first example is what can happen when a customer gets a dirty fork:
D:
Date Label.
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| A correctly filled in Date Label for Monday the 13th of Octember1066. |
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| Despite saying Monday in several languages, MON can indeed be confused with NOW |
Discovery,of a suprise function:
This section is further discussed in the section Suprise function .
As unpleasant as it may at first seem,the information witheld from the Kitchen staff about an imminent function can serve to test the mettle of all concerned.
The Natural reaction for the Chef would be to stab and burn all those concerned with the missing function details,and in perfect harmony the reaction from the front of house staff would be to deny all knowledge of knowing anything about anything..
The tipping point comes from the one person who swears they a)Told you about it b)Claims the Function sheet was in your Diary c)Offers to go to the supermarket to get anything you need.
This is the guilty party..make sure they pay.E:
Enviromental Health Officer:
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| Oh Dear Chaps, it's Balaclava O'Clock |
The Chefs Bestest Friend, as long as he has Date Labelled his entire Kitchen, Himself and Next doors Cat (just in case it wanders in and walks on the Bread Rolls,again). Picture the scene, here is Mr Chef, out back having a crafty toke on his crack pipe, when he spots a Silver Ford Focus pull up( it's always a Silver Ford Focus, just as surely as Dracula rocks up in a Black Horsedrawn Carriage). The Occupant of the Focus has a quick rummage around in a Silver Metal Briefcase (goes with the Car), the Chef adjusts his Night Vision Goggles for a better picture, but because it's still Daylight this doesn't help. The Chef is apprehensive, yet still not panicking. Until that is, out comes the White Trilby, the one made from Mosquito netting(no one knows why its made out of this, but I suppose its better than being made out of Mosquitos). Like a cornered Fox, caught in a Trap, the Chef begins knawing his own leg off, for no apparent reason, but then realises he has no Blue Plasters left, they're all in the food and stops. Like a small, slightly more visible than usual Ninja, the Chef coolly slides back into the Kitchen. Here, at least, he has Options, which are as follows:
Option 1- Resign with Immediate Effect. The Inspector has yet to Inspect, legally an Escape Route, but generally a last resort.
Option 2- Kill the Inspector and cut up his corpse, carefully Date Labelling the pieces, just in case reinforcements arrive. A bit of a shitter when CSI arrive though.
Option 3- Frantically start cleaning, organising the Brigade in a Logical yet improvisational manner, throwing anything that is Purple, or moving under its own steam, into next doors Bin, hoping the Bluebottles will follow their noses. It is usually at this point, that the Chef realises there is no Brigade, due to cutbacks, and that he has been talking to himself, hence the state of the Kitchen.
Option 4- My personal favourite.Open all Fridges and turn all Ovens up to 11. Find the Kp's stash of SAS outfits and round up all Staff. Dress them all the same, including Gas Masks. Throw a couple of Stun Grenades into the Breakfast Buffet, to cause confusion and herd the Staff out of the door. When you reach the Great Outdoors ( you know, beyond the Perimeter Fence), Disperse and make for the Pub. An Armed Response Team will turn up at this point and cordon off the building, even the EHO won't be allowed in. By the time Forensics have done their work and the Police let people back in, all the Food will be mouldy and your Kitchen will be covered in Fingerprint Talc, impossible for the EHO to nail you.Take 2 Weeks off for Stress, because the thought of being Fisted by the EHO was quite stressful and relax. Perfect.
G:
Green Shit ,`the use of Green shit`,Green shit refers to anything that deters the eye from any foodstuff,Ie parsley/chives .. H:
Head Chef:
Responsible for the day to day running of the kitchen.Required to order the correct amount of Badgers Clats,also considered omnipresent as he or she has to be responsible when something runs out when he or she is not actually in work.
In the 1970's and 80's most Headchefs were still former members of the Waffen SS. However Simon Wiesenthal had hunted many of these down by the mid 1990's and Father Time had done for the rest. Thus a new a breed of Psychcopath was required. The US Military scoured their Ranks, but no suitable Candidates were found. So a Top Secret Programme was founded. It was named Breadstone and its most successful by product was the infamous Jason Bourneville, a man made of pure Cocoa, not the shit Chocolate is made of, but the stuff you snort.It was deemed that a protocol be created and all new Headchefs should meet the following criteria:
1. Should be impervious to Fire, Heat and Pain. Headchefs should be able to take Items from an Oven, at 200C using a very wet Cloth as this is a great Conductor of Heat and Pain.Despite cutting himself in the Cartoid Artery, a Chef should be able to carry on with Service, even if he actually notices that people are fainting next to him, This is a sign he has cut himself.
2.He should be immune to the effects of Alcohol Poisoning. By plating the Chefs Liver in Kevlar, a Chef could remain standing, even after a 3 Day bender and still return to Base, long after the Front of House Staff have met with Amy Winehouse.
3.Immunity to all forms of Food Based Chemical and Biological Warfare. The Headchef should be able to demonstrate, that despite wiping out an entire Coachload of Oldies, the Food was safe to eat. The Headcef should be encouraged to create, not participate.
4. Fuse Length and Predictability. At no time should a Chef be Predictable, this can be Fatal for all concerned.The ability to change, like a Puff Adder with PMT, is an important weapon in the Chefs Arsenal. Despite extensive research, the US Department of Defense cannot guarantee a Standard Fuse Length. Bomb Disposal Experts refuse to work on volatile Headchefs.Fact.
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| A recreation of a Fully Armed Head Chef. Note Watermelon and Cucumber Helmet, with built in Noseguard.This prevents the voices in his head, urging the Headchef to "Kill Front of House Staff", from escaping. A guarantee of a hugely volatile and possibly Fatal outcome to Festivities. |
I:
Interferons(La Interferon) :
Interferons come in all shapes and sizes,although there are no actual statistics available ,most are middle aged women.
The behaviour of the Interferon is easily recognisable,it involves trying to interfere with the smooth running of the kitchen ,by `knowing best`..
The experience the interferon has, ranges from a day selling ice creams on Brighton beach ,to `once having to silver serve the entire staff of the post office`.
Interferons can be very dangerous and are usually sleeping with managment,best dealt with by burning hot sauce boat handles and non-cooperation tecniques.K:
Kooking. A method of Cooking developed in New York during the 1970's, this involves many Body Piercings and Tatoos and a penchant for Gothic music. Kooking is generally practised around the Soho area of New York and involves groups of people listening to Poetry Readings whilst trying to Pan fry Dust. Angst is optional.
Kooking(ii). A method of Cooking practised in Liverpool, UK. Comes from the term " Hey Laa, just Fooking Kook will yer".
M:
Mental or Nervous Breakdown,The Inevitable.
Bertrand Russell once wrote the following:
“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.”
Now we shall discuss the relative merits of this statement, because in the case of Chefs, Old Bertie Bollocks got it dead wrong. With regards to Chefs, it should read as follows:
" One of the symptons of a Chefs approaching nervous breakdown is the Managements belief that their work is terribly important".
Because you see, the Chef couldn't really give a toss, he is working on Auto pilot and unless something is going to prevent him making Last orders or the Off License, he will bash on regardless. It is only with the addition of an Interferon and/or Management, that the Chef will lose a plot he never truly understood in the first place.There are two main types of Chefs, those who are of the Nuclear Fusion variety and those of the Breakdown variety. The causal effects of the Breakdown are discussed in greater detail elsewhere, so I will concentrate on the signs to look for, it's a bit like Vulcanology, except the Volcano in question has access to lots of sharp Knives and heavy metal object d' art. Watching Chefs in their Natural Enviroment is a dangerous activity, like watching rabid Rottweillers in a Playground, so I would advise you to dress accordingly. A good quality Kevlar Stab Vest ,Flameproof Overalls and a Motorbike Helmet are generally seen as a minimum requirement and you can forget about Insurance Cover. Also, don't forget to make a Will. Ok, here we go.
The Signs:
No.1: Sweating Pure Carling. The 365 consecutive nights on the piss are starting to take their toll. If the Chef had an X ray at this stage, his Liver would resemble a burst Slipper.
No.2: Mumbling. The Chef is mumbling away to himself and addressing the Carrots on a first name basis,"Hello Johnny Carrot, I'm gonna slice you up real good, oh yeah". This is a classic sign of impending breakdown.
No.3 Dropping things. If the Chef you are observing starts dropping things on the floor, despite the fact you witnessed him juggling Bar maids last night and has developed the motor skills of Stephen Hawkings, you are onto something.
No.4 Confusion. If you witness the Chef repeatedly entering the Stock Room or Fridge empty handed and returning empty handed, then he is truly beginning to lose it. It means he started with a purpose, but forgot what that purpose was, in the 6 seconds it took him to get to the Fridge.
No.5 Locked himself in the Walk in Fridge. If you are extremeley privileged, then you may witness this rare event. The only thing that beats this, in the dangerous world of Chef Watching, is if he locks himself in the Walk in Freezer, pure Gold.Now, approach the Fridge Door very carefully and listen. Even through the thick insulation of the door, you will be able to hear him shouting at the Tomatoes," You traitorous little Red Bastards, that's the last time I let you run the Show!". If he's in the Freezer, then it will be "little Green Bastards", because he will be shouting at the Peas.
No.6 The Walkout. The ineveitable consequence of the Chefing based breakdown. Usually at this point an Apron will be thrown in the general direction of the Interferon or Manager and the phrase "Why don't you do it your Fucking self, you Fucking Prat!" will be uttered, as a parting shot. The Chef may be found in a Skip the following morning.
Happy Hunting.
N:
Nuclear Fusion in the Kitchen. Although our slanty eyed friends in North Korea have been working on this for some time, Chefs discovered the Art of Nuclear Fusion a long time ago. All you will need is:
1. A tired and possibly hungover Chef, who may, or may not, have been in a Pub all Afternoon.
2.Alcohol- this acts like Uranium in the Reaction.You will have a much more Spectacular Reaction, with Beer.
3. A Dyslexic Receptionist or Restaurant Manager or Both or French
4. A missing Table Reservations Book (optional, but every little helps)
5. Some Heavy Frying Pans- more aerodynamic, the better.
Method:
1. It is important to start the Reaction in the correct Manner. On the Chefs return from the Pub, the Receptionist/Restaurant Manager/ Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey, must inform the Chef that there are NO people Booked. This lulls your Chef in to a false state of Greater than usual Apathy.
2. Patience. It is important to wait until the Chef has no chance of recovery, before the Payload is delivered.
3.The Payload. At around 8.45pm, tell the Chef that you had lost the Reservation Book, but you have discovered that you have 8 people Booked at 9pm. This will start the Reaction. You may notice a little Steam at this point. Don't worry, it is only the Chefs Blood starting to Boil. As this is cutting into his valuable drinking Time, a Reaction is very difficult to stop at this Stage, even with the insertion of Cooling Liquid (Lager). This is where Payload 2 is Delivered. The Booking is actually for 18 and they are going to be 3/4 of an Hour Late. It is advisable to wear a Welding Mask, Stout Plus Fours and a Quality Pair of Running Shoes at this Stage. If you have a Car, leave it Running. Run.
4. Fusion is achieved. A Blinding Flash and Smoke. Pans start to become Airbourne and objects you thought were Heavy and unbreakble suddenly sustain damage.
5. Job Done!
P:
Pastry Chef,The: Not really a proper Chef, as unlike real Chefs, they actually measure things. You can normally identify a Kitchen that used to have a Pastry Chef, as there will be a set of Rusty Scales, sitting there awaiting its Masters return, like a forlorn Beagle. Bad luck Fido.He will never return. Normal Chefs have no use for Weights and Measures, as everything is done by the handful, but we are aware when a Pint is not a Full Pint.
There will also be an area, Cooler than normal, which was the former domain of this creature, The reason for this? Some say Pastry is best made in cool conditions. The real reason is somewhat more pragmatic, Beer was a right fucker to keep cool, in the days before Refrigeration.This area is now wall to wall with Freezers, which contain all the bought in Patisserie Delights he formally created. It is also said the Pastry Chef had cooler than usual hands and so would you if you had been clutching cans of Carling all day.Oh, and most of them were murderers, good with their hands,see.
We have supplied some Photographs of the Pastry Chefs handywork, after a Drug and Booze bender, to illustrate the endeavour of this endangered creature (please see below).
Top Photo: A perfectly executed Mango Mandango, Garnished with Steamed Choucroute, Mandarins and a Choclate Phallus.Bottom Photo:Quenelle of Cold Day Old Porridge, Chat Potato and Garnished with Week Old Mince and Weeds from the Cliff face.A Future Classic.
Pastry Chef,The: Not really a proper Chef, as unlike real Chefs, they actually measure things. You can normally identify a Kitchen that used to have a Pastry Chef, as there will be a set of Rusty Scales, sitting there awaiting its Masters return, like a forlorn Beagle. Bad luck Fido.He will never return. Normal Chefs have no use for Weights and Measures, as everything is done by the handful, but we are aware when a Pint is not a Full Pint.
There will also be an area, Cooler than normal, which was the former domain of this creature, The reason for this? Some say Pastry is best made in cool conditions. The real reason is somewhat more pragmatic, Beer was a right fucker to keep cool, in the days before Refrigeration.This area is now wall to wall with Freezers, which contain all the bought in Patisserie Delights he formally created. It is also said the Pastry Chef had cooler than usual hands and so would you if you had been clutching cans of Carling all day.Oh, and most of them were murderers, good with their hands,see.
We have supplied some Photographs of the Pastry Chefs handywork, after a Drug and Booze bender, to illustrate the endeavour of this endangered creature (please see below).
Peter Sutcliffe,Method.:
The live meat is stunned before preparing,this is achieved using a hammer.Repeated use of the hammer serves a double purpose,as it serves to tenderize the produce at the same time.
P's,The 6. The 6 P's, a bedrock of Cheffing Civilisation as we know it, a bit like the the Ten Commandments, without the Religious Bollocks. The 6 P's are as follows- Perfect Preparation Prevents Piss Poor Performance. Other sayings in this field are Fail to Prepare, Prepare to Fail (American), Mis en Place( French), but these are Foreign and don't contain any swearing, so not much use to us. It is useful to note, however, that no amount of Preperation can truly protect the Chef from the stupidity of others i.e. Interferons, Management etc.
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| Peter Sutcliffe drops his Hammer Shocker |
P's,The 6. The 6 P's, a bedrock of Cheffing Civilisation as we know it, a bit like the the Ten Commandments, without the Religious Bollocks. The 6 P's are as follows- Perfect Preparation Prevents Piss Poor Performance. Other sayings in this field are Fail to Prepare, Prepare to Fail (American), Mis en Place( French), but these are Foreign and don't contain any swearing, so not much use to us. It is useful to note, however, that no amount of Preperation can truly protect the Chef from the stupidity of others i.e. Interferons, Management etc.
Q:
Quizzical Look.The. |
| A Classic Quizzical Look, shortly before the Chef goes off his Tits |
1.How many People are Booked?
2. What Table is it?
3. Are you Human?
4.Why did you take it to Table 46? Thats a different Restaurant you useless twat!
5. What is your Name?
6. Why did you take the Main Course before the Starter?
Finally, a word of Warning- Never, Ever try to gain a Quizzical Look from a Chef, as the only thing you will gain are several blows from a Sautee Pan. Chefs know.
S:
SAS:
Not the Swedish Airline, but the Special Air Service. Set up during the Second World War, by David Stirling, the SAS was formed to train future KP's( Kitchen Porters) and other members of Hotel Staff. Its arduous selection process and dangerous Missions behind Enemy Lines, have proved to be the perfect breeding ground of the modern day Hospitality Employee. It is taken as a given, that at any one time, there will be an ex member of the SAS working in your Hotel. Honest.
Sous Chef:
Space invader,The:
Stevie wonder garnished by:
A question usually posed to the Commis chef regarding the status of garnish on a particular dish.
Suprise function,The
Surprise Function (ii): This is the Surprise the Chef will exhibit, when He discovers Duty Managers actually think they have a Function in life.
T:
Talking Pirate:
Its important to talk pirate to add confusion to the already stress filled enviroment.Here BE A short video on how to do it!:
T:Terrorist Chefs,The. One can trace the origins of the Terrorist Chef to the early 1960's and the enactment of the 1961" You must Cook French Stuff and Shout in French Act".This Act, passed by the World Association of Nutritious Chow, or W.A.N.C as they became to be known, was most unpopular, as most Chefs could barely speak English and inevitably a break away faction was formed. The Federal Union for a Chefs Kingdom, or F.U.C.K (I know it's a contradiction in terms, to have a Federal Kingdom, but they're fucking Chefs, not Carol Vorderman), began to arm themselves and began a Gorilla War, using real Gorillas. However these proved to be unreliable, as they could be easily be distracted by a Banofee Pie, or a tyre on a rope. Terrorist Chefs have become an increasingly Global menace in recent times, with many branches in many Countries.Here is a brief Guide to the various Factions:
Federal Union for a Chefs Kingdom Ulster- F.U.C.K.U.(Irish)
Federal Union for a Chefs Kingdom Of Forfar-F.U.C.K.O.F.F(Scottish)
S:
SAS:
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| Members of 22 SAS(Catering Div.) on a recent mission. Note Special Weapons and Recon Vehicle in front of Chef on the left. |
Sous Chef:
Responsible for the running of the kitchen during the Head Chefs absence.At all other times the sous may behave in any way that suits him or her.Impressions of Micheal Flattely or even doing Brian Blessed is a plus for the sous who tries to maintain the dignity of the kitchen at all times.
The Sous Chef acts as the Headchefs Chief of Intelligence, a role similar to that of Beria during Stalins reign of Terror. He will endeavour to find out the true number of Bookings, by being nice to Receptionists, a fruitless task. If he is captured behind enemy lines, he may be asked Questions by Management, a tricky predicament indeed.
Stoned:
A State common in both Chefs and Iranian Women. However, the Chefs reason for feeling half dead, is not normally brought on by the liberal use of Housebricks.It has been known for Chefs to be found buried up to their necks though, but this is usually in a Wheelie bin.
The Sous Chef acts as the Headchefs Chief of Intelligence, a role similar to that of Beria during Stalins reign of Terror. He will endeavour to find out the true number of Bookings, by being nice to Receptionists, a fruitless task. If he is captured behind enemy lines, he may be asked Questions by Management, a tricky predicament indeed.
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| A chef in a bin (illustration) |
A State common in both Chefs and Iranian Women. However, the Chefs reason for feeling half dead, is not normally brought on by the liberal use of Housebricks.It has been known for Chefs to be found buried up to their necks though, but this is usually in a Wheelie bin.
Space invader,The:
The space invader can be observed just before a major function,with members of staff and especially management pacing up and down,nervously, in front of the hotplate.
Common verbal insults include `Stop scuttling up and down like a space invader`...and `Cunts`Stevie wonder garnished by:
A question usually posed to the Commis chef regarding the status of garnish on a particular dish.
Suprise function,The
The manager strolls through the kitchen and gives a knowing wink to the Chef, `All ready for tonight?`..
Its Tuesday and as every Caterer knows nothing happens on Tuesday.The Chef still recovering from the money he recieved as some kind of tradeoff on Saturday,lets this moment pass as he focuses on all the basic automotive functions,breathing and standing up.
Later that day the chef may notice increased activity at the front of house ..its only 12.45pm and already flowers and a cake have been delivered; the part time waiters/waitresses population has increased by 84%..The game is afoot.
Caution..The chef checks his function list for the month,nope nothing in there...
Now cutlery is being polished ,The sideplate stack which usually reaches the moon has GONE!!
Butter portions are being searched for and there is a question as to what time the bread rolls can be expected to arrive...Oh yes.... this is a suprise function.
Surprise Function (ii): This is the Surprise the Chef will exhibit, when He discovers Duty Managers actually think they have a Function in life.
T:
Talking Pirate:
Its important to talk pirate to add confusion to the already stress filled enviroment.Here BE A short video on how to do it!:
T:Terrorist Chefs,The. One can trace the origins of the Terrorist Chef to the early 1960's and the enactment of the 1961" You must Cook French Stuff and Shout in French Act".This Act, passed by the World Association of Nutritious Chow, or W.A.N.C as they became to be known, was most unpopular, as most Chefs could barely speak English and inevitably a break away faction was formed. The Federal Union for a Chefs Kingdom, or F.U.C.K (I know it's a contradiction in terms, to have a Federal Kingdom, but they're fucking Chefs, not Carol Vorderman), began to arm themselves and began a Gorilla War, using real Gorillas. However these proved to be unreliable, as they could be easily be distracted by a Banofee Pie, or a tyre on a rope. Terrorist Chefs have become an increasingly Global menace in recent times, with many branches in many Countries.Here is a brief Guide to the various Factions:
Federal Union for a Chefs Kingdom Ulster- F.U.C.K.U.(Irish)
Federal Union for a Chefs Kingdom Of Forfar-F.U.C.K.O.F.F(Scottish)
Federal Union for a Chefs Kingdom Indonesian Tribes-F.U.C.K.I.T.(Far East Division)
Federal Union for a Chefs Kingdom Egyptian Republican Squad-F.U.C.K.E.R.S.(Middle Eastern Division)
It is interesting to see the similarities in Uniform, between the SAS Chef and the Terrorist Chef, however the difference in headgear is a pointer to the Terrorist Chefs training and ethos.
Federal Union for a Chefs Kingdom Egyptian Republican Squad-F.U.C.K.E.R.S.(Middle Eastern Division)
It is interesting to see the similarities in Uniform, between the SAS Chef and the Terrorist Chef, however the difference in headgear is a pointer to the Terrorist Chefs training and ethos.
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| Viet Cong trained Terrorist Chefs.Notice Wok Weaponary and Headgear modelled on traditional Coolie Hat and Laos Tribesmans Conical Helmet |
V:
Violent cookery:
Violent cookery is a heady combination of microwave,fryer,microwave,pan ,microwave ,fryer to achieve a cooked appearance and rendering the `Violently cooked` item inedible.
Violent fisting:
Where the function has gone Tits up.Or where the Interferon gains more power resulting in the function going tits up.
X:
X ray specs-The very thing needed by the chef who wants to see beyond the lies.
Z:
Zeus, By the Beards of. Very Old School expression. If uttered in Pirate, it can be a positive statement i.e. " By the Beards of Zeus, the Soup is truly Hot, Arrgh". If uttered in the style of a Pained Brian Blessed, it is a Negative i.e. "By the Beards of Zeus, what are you doing in the Fridge, You Son of a French Whore, Have at you! "
Violent fisting:
Where the function has gone Tits up.Or where the Interferon gains more power resulting in the function going tits up.
X:
X ray specs-The very thing needed by the chef who wants to see beyond the lies.
Z:
Zeus, By the Beards of. Very Old School expression. If uttered in Pirate, it can be a positive statement i.e. " By the Beards of Zeus, the Soup is truly Hot, Arrgh". If uttered in the style of a Pained Brian Blessed, it is a Negative i.e. "By the Beards of Zeus, what are you doing in the Fridge, You Son of a French Whore, Have at you! "
