Main Course Fish-Pasta-Barbed wire-Meat-

L:

Langoustine:
See Below, substituting Hamsters for the Kittens. Add a Dash of Tabasco to the Hamsters eyes for that Special Occassion, usually served at Christenings and Public Floggings.
 
Lobster(D`homard):
 Lobsters are funny buggers,people feel sorry for them because they scream when boiled alive.If Lobster is expensive or unavailable the chef may substitute this ingredient with Kittens dressed in bulletproof armoured plating. 

O:
Oysters:

Oysters in production.

 

 Mysterious and ugly ,Oysters are best served by anyone else but you.

Frequently fatal to eat ,you are better off putting Pufferfish on the menu as the fallout from the poisonings is less recognisable and less traceable.

P:

The church of the flying Spaghetti Monster.

Pastafarians: Ones who worship the flying spaghetti monster.

Pleghm: See Oysters above. A Favourite Dish of the Cuisine Consious Footballer.


R:

Risotto- This form of pointless grain based slop is sold in Restaurants, as some form of Alchemy. The reality is somewhat different, involving the day before and a Microwave. If you make this at home, then the consisteny you are looking for is laid down in the 1886 Milanese Pointless Fuckwit Convention, Paragraph II:

" The Dish shall consist of over priced toss, that the Gullible shall pay for. Liberal use of Lighter Fluid is acceptable. The consistency of the Dish shall be between a Snowball containing a Marble and Paris Hilton"

Feel free to try this at home, I'm off for a Chinese. 

Rollmop Suprise:
 The small wooden stakes are removed from the Rollmops and replaced with small sticks of pottasium.

Robot,Im not a :

 This is the term usually sung in a high pitched voice by the complaining chef who feels he has been shafted  and or,Fisted too 

T:
Tails and Scales:
 The affectionatley titled Tails and scales Suggests the cheaper cuts of prime fish served to unsuspecting customers and staff alike.

 
 z:
Zuccini. No, it's a Fucking Courgette.

Zombie or Zomboid. My erstwhile fellow Chef, or Co-conspirator as it may be viewed, have vowed to fight Zombies, where so ever we find them. Its a bit like Buffy, without the Breasts, or tight Leather. A Zombie Swarm usually occurs, just before the serving of Dinner. This is also a sign of impending Cater Rape(see seperate section).If you spot a Zomboid Attack, it is best to hide behind a Carvery Unit and arm yourself with a big Pointy Knife and a Carving Fork.

A Chef tooled up for an impending Zomboid Attack

Look into the eyes and see the determination!