Badgers.
Beaks and Feet :
Similar to Tails and Scales ,This dish ,as its title might suggest, includes lower quality cuts of poultry,usually served to members of staff .
C:
Clats.
G:
Gammon. Gammon and Eggs is a pet hate of mine, I must confess. Why the Rollmop sucking, window licking, Domestos drinking denizens of this Great land feel the need to eat Breakfast twice in one day, is beyond me.Fact- Gammon is Polish for the word STUPID and they were fuckin' bob on with that. Did you forget you had Bacon and Eggs for Breakfast, or are you so moronically simply minded, that you keep confusing AM with PM. 8am was when you had Breakfast, shortly before your Goldfish kicked your Arse at Simon Says, Again, you Fucktard. As for Pineapple with Dead Swine, who fucking came up with that ? Danno from Hawaii 5 o? If so, He's the one that should be Booked, then strung up by his Bollocks using Flower Garlands and pummelled with Canoe Paddles, until he retracts his new idea for Banana Puree on Liver. Twat!
Gulf of Mexico Surprise. Also known in the USA as Ambulance Chasers Delight.
This Dish is best made on someone else's Doorstep, as it can be quite messy. However it does last a suprisingly long time if done badly. You will require the following:
1.An experimental Oil Rig, that has been signed off as SAFE, by the US Government.
2. An unhealthy Dose of Arrogance and disregard for either safety or the enviroment.
3.A good handful of American Sub Contractors. Slacker the better.
4.A large Multinational Oil Company. It helps if the Company in question is the same Nationality as all the Bad Guys, in the shit films you make. It makes the Press Conferences, or Fistings, much more enjoyable.
5.A Hypocrite for a President.
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| Disaster in the making |
Method.You can be quite creative with this recipe and mix the ingredients in anyway you like. Garnish with dead Seabirds and serve with a generous dollop of Bullshit. Take one way trip to Siberia or bury your head in the sand. Please see photo below.
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| After Months of work, the finished article, to Siberia Jeeves! |
L:
Liver and Bacon, or Piss Filter and Swine, as it is known in the Trade. Imagine the scene, there is Monsiuer Flip Flop hard at work in his rural French Bistro. The Germans have been and gone again and the the White flag now makes a great Table Cloth, or it will once he removes the 30 Foot Bamboo pole. His Running Shoes are safely under the Bed, where he had been hiding, ready for the next time Le Bosch decide to come on holiday. But Flip Flop is under pressure. Today is the Annual Female Collabarator Head Shaving Contest in the Village and Men from miles around will be arriving, armed with The Best a Man Can Get. Food is scarce, as the Germans all had a Packed Lunch for the journey home to Berlin. What to do? Luckily, Flip Flop had hidden his Finest Jambon, sweating merrily away, in the Cellar, the natural retreat of the French Male. If he sliced this finely, he may get away with the fact it was green. Cremated in the correct manner, nobody would know. But what else? Hmm, he mused, a Pomme Puree (Mash to me and you) and some Demi Glace ( Gravy), thickened with Chicken Lips, would be a start. But it would require a little French va va voom, to create the spectacular. Flip Flop quickly got on the Blower to his friend Andre. Andre worked at the French equivalent of Huntingdon Life Sciences, where they had been working on a cure for Smoking, by injecting Pigs with Jam. " Yes, I have many dead Swine, but the Jam seems to have caused an outbreak of Anthrax in them, the only safe part to eat is Le Piss Filter" said Andre. "Not ideal, but it will have to do Mes Ami" replied Flip Flop.Needless to say, Flip Flops Piss Filter and Swine was a roaring success, as many had run out of Food in their Cellars and were malnourished and a great many Heads were shaved that day. A Classic was born. The End.
P:
Pheasant. Pheasant, or Road Kill as we know it, is served in High End Restaurants searching for an Award from a French Tyre Manufacturer. Now, don't get me wrong here, I love a tenuous connection as much as the next man. Pheasant does indeed taste like one of their Rubberised Products. It is Important that you do not confuse Pheasant with Peasant, though both are Stringy and riddled with Worms, Peasant eating has been Outlawed since 2009, due to an outbreak of Stoat Flensing , near Scunthorpe Municipal Swimming Pool. If you must, I believe it's all the rage in Nigeria, especially if you are an Albino.You can always take some Tippex with you, or look for a Vegan, no one cares if you kill those fuckers anyway.
S:
Slug Bones. Usually found at the back of the Chefs Fridge, although not in it. Slug bones form the basis of French Regional Cookery, especially in Uganda, which is near Paris. A must in any Jus, now Rabbi Extract has been banned under the Geneva Convention.
U:
Unpleasant Pie:
In classical cookery this item would be called "we need to empty the fridge before the Enviromental Health arrive",and all offending items could be housed within a pastry case and undatable.
Unfortunatley the golden age of catering is over and now its a legal requirement to keep records of when a particular food item was prepared.
Unfortunate ,not for the caterer,but for the customer,as unpleasant pies ,which only appeared during a health inspector raid,now appear more frequently to prevent the EHO from complaining that there were not individual date labels on every grape in the building .
